I resolve, 2008
"New
Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not
encourage them to take up more of my time."
- James Agate
The following New Year's resolutions of important men and women in or out of Lee County have been thoughtfully provided for the resolved by Florida- Weekly.
We conducted scrupulously accurate and intimate non-interviews with each individual, faithfully reporting what they resolve for 2008. And we wish to remind them and you, first, that there is no need to thank us, and second (ala Mark Twain), that "now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them, as usual."
And what about me? I'm not a hypocrite, not really. As part of the finest little newspaper in Florida, I resolve the following for 2008:
Always to tell the truth in commentary, with or without
facts (in the column below, for example, the truth will be told without most of
the facts).
 | | Hartner |
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To do good, with or without actually doing anything.
Never to swear again, or cuss or curse or script
profanities or mutter obscenities or blaspheme in print, in order to please the
Christian right and the Muslim left and the Corporate center and those who are
faint of heart, devoid of righteous wrath or somewhere in between.
And finally, to carry on courageously, with or without
any burden, except the burden of hot air and cold black ink (or hot black
electronic print - see Floridaweekly. com).
That said, here are the resolutions of the guilty.
Dr. Judith Hartner, director, Lee County Health Department: "I have to start thinking of myself more frequently as a care giver - as a true doctor, in the Hippocratic sense. Therefore, I resolve to help Dr. Bob Schwartz lose weight in 2008 by not paying any of the $70,000 the Lee County Health Department still owes the AIDS clinic he named after that artist I can't stand, Bob Rauschenberg. If Dr. Schwartz continues to receive no salary, he'll get thinner because he won't be able to eat, and that's healthy. So yeah, I'm going to help Dr. Schwartz by starving him."
 | | Scott |
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Lee County Sheriff Mike Scott: "I've got to get serious, I've got to get my ass in gear, here, baby. I should have thought of this, sooner, and then those prissy little do-gooders would have had to hold their water: I need a toupee, man. So for 2008, I'm gonna buy a good one. I'll use some of those big crime-fighting tax dollars to get a designer rug, maybe out of New York or L.A. And it's gonna
look just like a motorcycle helmet, maybe with an HD shaved in it, so I won't have those nitpickers complaining when I ride free like the wind."
Harold Balink, chef-owner of Harold's on Bay and H2, downtown: "I'm going to find some excuse, just one, ANYTHING, to hit Jim Humphrey and the entire Fort Myers City Council with a bone-breaking cross-body block before 2008 is out. After all, Syd Kitson isn't the only one around here who played football. Then we'll see if they want to tear up any more streets around my restaurants."
 | | Hall |
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County Commissioner Tammy Hall: "I know I can get Ray and Bob to vote with me on this - this year, I resolve to pass an ordinance making dueling legal in Lee County. And then I'm going to challenge Brian Bigelow, and if he picks pistols I'll shoot his lips off, and
if he picks swords I'll lop his tongue off."
Syd Kitson, Babcock Ranch Developer: "My wife isn't going to like this, but for
2008 I'm going to buy seven new green suits, along with green socks and green
skivvies and green golf shoes and a new green Lexus and a green golf cart, to show people - to really, really show people - that I'm serious about going green. And I'm really going to get serious about green now, just like when I played for the Pack. Say it with me now, Lean and Green in 2008! Lean and Green in 2008! With me now, people, LEAN AND GREEN IN 2008!"
 | | Kitson |
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Marietta Mudgett, executive director, Greater Fort Myers Chamber of Commerce: "I resolve to personally do more to stop violent crime in this county. It hurts tourism and it damages the economy, and I will no longer accept that. So I'm going to obtain a concealed weapons permit in 2008, and start shooting criminals on sight. Of course I can't tell my husband, because Bill is really such a softie, like most liberals."
County Commissioner Brian Bigelow: "I need to be more like
my great grandfather, so this year I resolve to burn down the old county court
house at night, just like he did - boy, Tammy will love that, won't she? - and
then build another one by 2009, without an office for her."
 | | Mudgett |
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 | | Bigelow |
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